DISCLAIMER: The author of this blog is not a licensed professional lumberjack, and by no means intends any posts on this blog to serve as professional advice on tree felling, log splitting, firewood cutting, or any other woodsman activity. Always consult your local lumberjack for any of your timber or firewood needs.

Monday, December 31, 2012

The most awesome thing in the world

This is seriously the most awesomest thing I have seen all year - and I can say that with authority now that this year will end in about five hours.  You know the most interesting man in the world?  He lives in Vermont, drives around on his beat up lawn tractor, and smokes a pipe.  Yes!

Don't believe me?  Here it is!



Walk in the snow

A dog walk during a study break is so much more enjoyable when it looks like this!

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day (though perhaps more appropriate for yesterday) is:

Yankee workout (n.)

The boot-and-glove-clad cross-training event entailed in clearing one's car(s), steps, driveway, and walkway of snow and ice following a storm.  Such a workout can range from mild (after a dusting of snow) to grueling (after a hefty mix of wet snow and ice).

Ex: Hey man.  Are you going to the gym after work?  Nah man.  After last night's storm?  I got my Yankee workout this morning.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Home for the holidays

The Liberal Lumberjack has returned home for the holidays. Seeing family and old friends is great, but you know what is so rewarding? Enjoying the warmth of a fire you built yourself, using wood you split yourself, cut from trees you felled yourself. It certainly is delayed gratification but it feels good!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Almost Christmas!


Time for a mini Christmas vacation.  See you tomorrow Amherst!

The End is near!

On this, our "last day on Earth", I will be the first to admit that I do have fears about the future and "the end".  No fears about Armageddon on a specific date, but still very real fears. 

My overall fear of the future is not that four horsemen will usher in the apocalypse.  It is not that humanity will incur the wrath of some external, higher consciousness.  Rather, it is that the whole world will be hot, humid, crowded, dirty, and loud.

I am terrified of overpopulation, a warming climate, and lack of sanitation from the overcrowding of humans (we are filthy, filthy creatures).  I am terrified that every wealthy corner of the world will look like Hong Kong or Tokyo, and that every other single square inch will look like an overcrowded slum or refugee camp.  No reprieve from human activity or melodrama.  No escape for rich or poor alike. 

The most important things for me in life are being by myself on a mountaintop, enjoying some peace and quiet, and having at least one season out of the year when every single electrolyte my body can muster is not being siphoned off by the river of sweat racing down my back.  I love nothing more than going for a walk in the woods by myself after a snowstorm, when it is so cold everything seems still and it is so quite all I can hear is the snow crunching under my feet.  To me, missing obligations and spending time alone as a result of winter weather is not something I brace for; it is something I wait for.

My fear is not that the world will end, but that the things which may my life on Earth worth living will end: peace, quiet, solitary moments, and a break from the heat.  In my own admittedly primate brain, infringements upon these basic things constitute an existential threat.  While I realize that most people find heat or "warmth" to be comfortable, and that most would prefer the so-called comforts of a city or suburb, I do not, and further, I do not consent to living under either such conditions.  Still, the population grows and the temperature rises.

Both to assuage my own fears and to calm people who believe a true end-of-the-world is actually imminent (which, to be clear, I do not) I like to remind myself and others that we all, as humans, have been fascinated with the end of the world since the beginning of time.  Whether as prophets, followers, or skeptics, we have all thought about it, even since before the existence of now-dominant religions.  This piece from the BBC's news magazine does an admirable job of putting the whole issue in historical perspective.  Reading it will leave you with one great consolation: regardless of era, almost everyone has believed they were living in end times.  They all were wrong.

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Vestigial Christianity (n.)

A strange phenomenon whereby non-religious  individuals carry with them feelings of guilt, shame, and awkwardness inherent to the belief systems of their parents or even grandparents. 

Depending on personal experiences with family or home region, this phenomenon can also be called Vestigial Catholicism, Vestigial Puritanism, etc.


Ex:

1.  Thinking it is "wrong" for a very young child to rip his or her clothes off and run around the beach naked screaming crap only they understand

2.  Experiencing guilt for spending $5 on something you could have done without

3. Feeling awkward during conversations or social interactions which run against a set of values and norms you yourself have never even believed in

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Sanders vs. Media Consolidation

For those who do not know, the FCC is considering loosening its already loose regulations to allow large corporations to own even more tv, radio, and print outlets in each individual media market. 

You know it!  The same people who would not let you say "fuck" on the air are considering allowing Rupert Murdoch or some other unsavory individuals to buy your town's newspaper, cable providers, tv stations, and radio stations.

Think there will be much diversity of opinion when that happens?  Think your cable tv and broadband rates will stay affordable when there is no more competition in the market?  Doubtful.

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has this new op-ed piece in Politico beseeching the FCC to change their collective mind regarding the proposed rule change. It is certainly worth a read and it is very brief.

If after reading it you feel compelled to voice your opposition to having Rupert Murdoch's wrinkly ass covering your media market, you can also sign the good Senator's petition here. I know, I know.  Petitions.  But seriously, Bernie is the one man on Capitol Hill who well, let's be blunt, gives a damn. I guess what I'm saying is, it's worth it.

All I want for Christmas

The Natural Habitat of the Liberal Lumberjack

These pictures are from four years ago.

I am trying not to get into the negativity and paranoia surrounding the fact that I have not yet once got out my winter outwear this year or the fact that I am driving around New England this winter so far without sand, a shovel, or a pair of Sorels in my trunk (it's just not right!)

Instead, I am just trying to remain hopeful for the end of December and the rest of winter.

Fingers crossed.

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Work Hangover (n.)

A near-hangover-like state induced not by alcohol, but by large or even excessive amounts of work. 

Ex: Holy crap I've been working on this project for weeks and this morning I woke up feeling like I partied all last night.  I can't remember the last time I went out.  Must be a work hangover. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Note on beer

There is a certain rule when it comes to beer that I feel absolutely obligated to pass along to my fellow human beings.  It is generally stated as follows:

Any and all beer worth drinking comes from a country or region that experiences a substantial portion of the year under snow, ice, and/or rain.

In other words, for a beer to be good, it needs to come from a place that has a winter.  It need not be a harsh, arctic winter; it can even be a mild, dark, rainy winter such as is common in London or Brussels.  Stated conversely, the rule provides that no beer worth drinking can come from a place that does not endure any form of winter.


Now I would assume that there are people who would vehemently disagree.  They have the right, but they would be wrong.  Consider the following:

New England:
  • Sam Adams
  • Long Trail
  • Berkshire Brewing Co
  • Harpoon
  • Smuttynose
  • etc.
Canada:
  • Trois Pistoles
  •  La Fin du Monde
  • Maudite
Germany:
  • Come on.  It's the homeland.
Mexico:
  • Corona

I rest my case.

Now I know that Stone is located in San Diego - not exactly a place known for harsh weather.  However, for every rule there must be an exception.  Remember, though, this is the exception, not the rule.

Please comment.


Best early surprise Christmas present ever

The Gift
Here it is!  An early Christmas present from my fiancée.  Who's the luckiest guy alive? #winning

What Carlin would say in the coming weeks

It should come as no surprise to anyone that a fierce debate over gun control in this country is looming and is likely to become heated in the coming weeks. 

What should be just as expected is that at some point, the NRA's Wayne Lapierre will make an appearance denouncing any gun regulation whatsoever and claiming that the Second Amendment is absolute and without qualifications - which by logical extension would mean we could all drive around with tactical nuclear missiles strapped to the roofs of our cars, but I'll save that for another time.

In the meantime, enjoy this brief clip from the late great George Carlin, and remember his wise words when you inevitably hear some not-so-wise ones being spewed by Mr. Lapierre in the coming weeks.


Word of the Day

Today's [belated] Word of the Day is an acronym:

A.D.D. (n.)


Altitude Deprivation Disorder, a condition experienced by individuals who grew up in a region known for hills and/or mountains, but who move to godforsaken lowland areas later in life for academic or professional reasons.

Symptoms include increased cynicism, revulsion at the local coastal climate, and strangely vivid dreams involving mountains and hillsides.

Ex: Last night I had a crazy dream!  The whole thing was like an HD slideshow of hills and mountains!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day is somewhat of an oldie but a goodie:

Masshole (n.)

1. A native of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts
2. A discourteous, even reckless driver whose motor vehicle operating habits can be traced back to a driver's ed course taken years earlier, in Massachusetts

NOTE: Though by its plain definition this term can be attributed to any native or other resident of the Commonwealth, it is most often attributed to drivers from the greater Boston area, due largely to their unique driving habits and often terse manner of speaking.

Ex: That guy was careening across both lanes doing 60 in the middle of a neighborhood!  What a masshole!

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Liberal Lumberjack on interpersonal conflict

Every time the potential for interpersonal conflict rears its ugly head, remember this:

Scientists have shown that humans share 98% of their genetic code with chimpanzees.  After our beloved chimp cousins, gorillas are our next closest non-extinct relative, though they do not reach the chimpanzee's lofty 98% similarity.  After that, our relatives continue downward in similarity through the primate gene pool: monkeys, baboons, pygmy marmosets - you get the idea.

This means that what makes us human - that is, uniquely human - is that remaining 2%.  Two percent!!  While we are 2% unique, we are still 98% ape!

So when the potential for conflict does arise, here is the real-life scenario buried under the surface:

The other person, whether friend or foe, family or complete stranger, has a internal conflict raging inside of them: 98% chimp versus 2% enlightened being.  This means that NINETY-EIGHT PERCENT of that person wants to beat his or her chest and trow his or her hot, sticky, smelly feces at you and otherwise go King Kong all over your ass, while only TWO PERCENT wants to settle it like "civilized people".

98%: Beat chest and throw feces
2%: Talk it out

Like your odds?  Neither do I.  Always think about this before resorting to any form of conflict. 



Word of the Day

Today's Word(s) of the Day is (are) a personal favorite(s) of The Liberal Lumberjack.  If you've heard it (them) before, you will surely recognized their inherent irony and absurdity right away.

"Constitutional Conservative" (n.)

An ideological blowhard and/or survivalist nutjob who is hardly conservative and has never, ever, ever read the original text of the Constitution first-hand.  Said blowhards choose this term to describe themselves and to declare themselves experts on all thing American, which is strange since they have never studied a thing on American history, law, culture, politics - or even basic fucking geography.

The best example would come in the form of a brief skit:

  • Uncle Jim says he's a Constitutional Conservative, and proud of it!
  • Constitutional?  Wow!  Has he studied Constitutional law?
  • Uhh, I don't think so.
  • Has he read the Constitution at home then?
  • Well, he's more of a TV news guy than a reader.
  • Well then how does he know about the Constitution?!
  • Because he's a real Conservative!
  • Hasn't he been married and divorced three times?  And didn't he get busted last Christmas for marijuana possession?
  • Hey! He knows what he's talking about!  He watches Hannity every night!
  • Aaaaaand there it is!!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The plaid of royalty

See the plaid used for the banner text on this blog?  The lettering next to that strikingly handsome cartoon lumberjack?  I am wearing this plaid now as I type this, and in case you were wondering, it actually has a name: Royal Stewart. 

That's right, this comes from royalty, bitch!

It is the official tartan of the Stewarts of Scotland. Scotland - that's not hard to believe considering plaid's prelumberjackian history.  But you know what is hard to believe?  This tartan is the official tartan of Queen Elizabeth and her subjects.  Why you ask?  Because since England and Scotland were united over three centuries ago, she is just as much Queen of Scotland as she is the Queen of England. You know how I know this is all true?  It's on wikipedia!

Big deal, right?  This may all seem like some useless trivia, but imagine this:  Queen Elizabeth II wearing an LL Bean shirt made out of this stuff.  See now it's just not trivia, it's downright hilarious!  Now picture her with an ax in hand, straddling a huge log.  Well, you can see where this is going.

So the next time you see some one sporting this handsome tartan, don't just think lumberjack; think of the classic Monty Python skit and insert an image of Queen Elizabeth herself.  Now try not to laugh like a lunatic in public.  You're welcome.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Homemade joke

Q: What is the Holy Trinity for Catholics?
A: The Father, the Sun, and the Holy Spirit.

Q: What is the Holy Trinity for Bostonians?
A: Thu Pats, thu Bruins, and thu Holy Red Sawx, Amen.

OK, not the best ever, but let's see you do better while you're walking down the street in Boston, picking up your dog's shit in a plastic bag.

And now for Comfy Dog!



You just have to see it to believe it!

PLEASE READ: A Note on New England and accents

This post is important for all those of you who are not New Englanders, and especially for my friends originating from the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line.  I have tried many, many times over to explain to you the differences between Boston and other places in Massachusetts and New England, now I will use a map to aid in my explanation.

The so-called Boston accent, which many know from nothing more first-hand than "Family Guy" or "The Departed", is not limited to Boston, nor does it cover all of New England.  In fact, it often has more in common with the various accents of Metro New York than it does with the rest of its own region.

Boston Accent: Origins

The Boston accent, as well as the various accents of New York City, are nothing organic or original.  They did not form from successive waves of immigration, nor did they evolve from centuries of isolation from England.  In fact, it is quite the opposite.

The Boston and New York accents in fact come from a 19th Century effort on behalf of the upper crust of those cities to sound more English.  It was a trend during Queen Victoria's reign known as "Anglomania".  French girls wore English curls in their hair, German men wore English attire, American townspeople built Victorian mansions and cottages, and people in Boston and New York attempted to keep up with the Joneses across the Pond by modifying their own manner of speaking.  The terrible accents which we are left hearing today are a result of the rest of the cities' populations following suit and imitating their local millionaires (who of course themselves were no more than imitating others thousands of miles away).

Boston Accent: Boundaries

The present-day boundaries of the Boston accent have spread dramatically, fueled in large part by longer commutes within Boston's own tri-state (now virtually quad-state) metro area.  Many a present-day Bostonian will also tell you that that irritating accent comes in from the areas surrounding Boston more than from within the city.  This is also largely true, as the people who once filled the city proper (many of them Irish) have since become suburbanized.

The really harsh, unique Boston accent then covers the metro Boston area.  However, the accent - and less pronounced variants thereof - also covers the North Shore and South Shore of Massachusetts; Worcester, MA; Rhode Island, and areas of Southern New Hampshire and Maine where I-93 and I-95 bring commuters back and forth from work in Boston.  This linguistic sphere of influence roughly covers the area within the red line.  Worcester, which is on the outer limits of said sphere, is said by some to be the worst offender, with the local edition of the "Boston" accent actually sounding like a made-up exaggeration of the real thing.  Someone who lives within one of these localities may be able to tell the differences from one area to the next.  I personally think every accent within the red line sounds virtually the same as the next, with varying degrees of separation from standard American English.

Outside of Boston

Now here when I write Boston, I mean everything within the red line.  I mean honestly, it is the same local culture, the same Boston-centric economy, and the same grouping of accents.

New England outside of Boston would be everything outside the red line, including Western Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, most of New Hampshire, and most of Maine.

If anyone from outside New England were to go to Western Massachusetts, the only way they would know they were even in Massachusetts would be the iconic white signs posted on each road as one enters and leaves a town. It lies between Connecticut and Vermont, and borders upstate New York, is in some places over 100 miles from the Atlantic, and contains only about 1/10 of the state's population.  They may be mostly Sox fans, but you will not hear any talk about "wicked pissahs" unless you are on the state university's campus, and the one doing the talking is some suburban kid from the Boston area.

This is Massachusetts - Conway, Massachusetts
Western Mass, Vermont, and to a large extent New Hampshire, are all rural places that have had mutli-generational movements of people to and from large cities.  The populations are highly transient, and as a result, there is little to no remaining regional accent in most localities within these places.

The Pioneer Valley of Western Mass is a hub of higher education, while the famed Berkshires region is known for vacationing New Yorkers and reclusive artists.  New Hampshire has a southeastern region which is essentially a Boston suburb, while the rest of the state remains largely rural.  Vermont is very rural, with only a few large towns or small cities.  Between the 1960s and now, both New Hampshire and Vermont have been havens for urban refugees, often with a split along ideological lines.  More conservative migrants have settled in New Hampshire, while more liberal and progressive individuals moved to Vermont. 

While all of these places did have scores of Yankee farmers with their own rural New England accents (my late great-grandfather comes to mind), decades of children moving to the cities and urban refugees moving in have greatly standardized the accents of these areas of New England.

Connecticut really blends into the background here, with most residents possessing a vaguely northeastern manner of speaking.  Of course, this changes slightly where the Hartford area hits the Springfield, MA area along I-91 (see yellow area on map).  Here, on both sides of the state line (especially in and around Springfield, MA) long-time residents have a strikingly and inexplicably Upper Midwestern accent.  Seriously.  Do not ask me why.  It sounds like a massive number of people from Michigan and Chicago just moved into this one particular area.  Don't believe me?  Go on YouTube and look up a clip of Congressman Peter Welch speaking.  Though a long-time resident of Vermont and its current man in the House, he still retains his accent from his childhood in West Springfield.

Maine - well, the Maine accent could take up a whole book by itself.  The southern corner of the state is largely filled with people who commute to Boston and former Massachusetts residents who have built beach houses on the shore there.  From there north, you move into Downeast Maine, which is also a tourist area.  Maine is known for words like "ayuh" for yes, and is probably the best image one could have in mind for a coastal Yankee.  As far as the accents go, look at it this way: the state goes from one side being a 20-minute drive from Eastern Mass the other protruding into Atlantic Canada.  Ayuh indeed.

Well, this has been a crash course in New England accents and it should provide a good background to readers for any future region-specific rants. While any one of the areas mentioned merits a book of its own, I wanted to give a brief overview of them all to illustrate one very important point:

WE ARE NOT ALL FROM BOSTON!   

We do not all say "wicked pissah", "swayuhtuhgawd", or "fuckin' A"!  Even if you are from Massachusetts, born and raised, it is quite possible to be minutes from Albany, and well over 100 miles from Boston.  So please, the next time you meet some one from New England, and especially if that person is from Massachusetts, please do not ask them about things "back" in Boston!

Now, with all of that said, I look forward to all of your thoughts, especially the disagreements and commentary from my fellow New Englanders who have taken the time to read this.  Bring on the critics!

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day:

S.D.S. (n.)

Snow deprivation syndrome (distinguished from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D., which is a bunch of made up crap used in TV ads to sell Americans even more happy pills). 

Symptoms include being bored, apathetic, and indifferent as to whether one makes it outside on a given day.  Symptoms may also include Citizen Kane-like flashbacks to childhood sledding memories (minus waiting 3 hours to find out who the hell Rosebud is).

Ex: Man it's December 14, there's no snow on the ground, and I don't want to do anything.  I'm not even looking forward to Christmas.  Must be S.D.S.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day is:

Rural chic (n.)
The same standards of urban stylishness and elegance applied to rural settings.

Rural chic (adj.)
Stylish or fashionable, but again in a rural setting.

Ex: I'm all for the bear skin rug and the stone fireplace, but the synthetic oak wainscoting?!  Tacky!
Ex 2: Did you see him wearing that knock-off plaid button down?  Please.  As if he got that in the LL Bean catalog!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Letter from a sick lumberjack

So today has been a very quiet day.  Little blogging, absolutely zero work accomplished.  Why?  Because for the fourth time this calendar year, I am sick!

That's right.  For the fourth time in 2012, I am in bed, doing nothing all day.  And for those of you who know me personally, this pretty much could not come at a worse time. 

As a kid, I never got sick.  Once a year max.  I grew up in New England, ran outside without a coat in the winter, played on the ground with the dogs, and thought hand washing was for girls and grownups.  Still, nothing.  My parents' first house was older than the country in which it was built, had no insulation, and I didn't get sick.  Next house?  Out in the woods, still two dogs - in addition to other outdoor animals.  This one was well insulated, but of course that didn't matter, because I was only indoors when it was dark out.  Still, sick once per year max.

Now, after years of law school, I am up to four times per year.  I am told it is stress, and I am inclined to agree.  I mean, it does add up.  Before then, I also had no other stress-related issues which now periodically pop-up.  Go figure.  Debt, poor digestion, trouble sleeping, and you get a piece of paper in Latin for your troubles.  Oh wait.  I still have yet to receive such parchment. 

300 views in less than 5 days!

Check it out!  The first Word of the Day post went up on this blog Friday night - not 5 days ago.  Now, we're passing the 300 views marker!  Now who knew I could be funny.  I mean really.

Thank you to everyone!  Hope you like what you're reading!

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day:


Capistantism (n.)


A peculiar fusion of Capitalism and Protestantism unique to the United States, which misinforms working and middle class people that Protestantism's ideals of honesty and hard work are actually tenets of Capitalism.

Ex: It's just not right.  I went back to school, work two jobs, pay all my bills on time, and I still fall behind.  Meanwhile, these guys on Wall St play computer games with numbers, and they get money for nothing!  Capistantism's a bitch!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Totally uncool: the article that inspired a rant

This is the article that inspired - in concatenation with recent godawful weather - this past week's winter obituary rant.  It is part angering, part depressing, and, well it is just a good read if you want to feel completely helpless.  The general idea - and indeed the most terrifying fact mentioned in the article - is that the New England state of Vermont could end up having the southern fried climate of Georgia before the century's end.

None of us know how long we will live, but if I do indeed live to see those days, there is no way I will be cashing in my cider for 'shine.


Here's the article from Seven Days.  You are not ready.

See society crumble- in a cartoon!


Such a great video, and a big thanks to MoveOn for sharing it on facebook.  It essentially gives you the entire degradation of the middle and working classes from the Reagan Revolution to today in a matter of minutes.  Woohoo! 

Now you can disagree with the finer points, or have various ideas as to how to improve matters, but the facts and general chronology of this clip are indisputable (that means please no Fox News-style arguing from the fringes of the far right and calling it the center).

Time to reflect on some things

So these are the two ads that are up right now on the right hand column of my facebook page:

That's right!  Get your girl's tits done as a Christmas present and then go gamble the rest of your cash away on slots.  You really just cannot make some of this stuff up.


If you ever are in a conversation with some one who does not think that we, as a society, need to stop and seriously reconsider where we are right now, just remember what I got for "targeted" ads on my facebook profile.


Back to work...

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Douchebagery (n.)

1. To be engaged in douche-like practices
2. The state of being in which a douchbag lives

Ex: That driver cutting off the old woman in the crosswalk was the epitome of douchebagery.
Origin: C21 from Fr. douchebaggerie 'to practice the art of being a douchebag'

Monday, December 10, 2012

(Belated) Inaugural Post

Despite already being seven or eight posts in, here it is: the belated inaugural (somewhat) post.  And though you can already see a bit of where I am going with this whole thing in prior posts, I still want to use this one to write about my reasons for starting the blog and the back story behind its title and theme.

I have a love-hate relationship with stereotypes in this country, and the same goes for the underlying culture wars from which many of them emanate.  I love the endless jokes, sitcoms, stand-up routines, and movies that culture-war based stereotypes have inspired over the years, but I abhor the negative impact on our nation's policies, both foreign and domestic.  While goofy stereotypes and the tectonic movements in the underlying culture wars may make for good laughs, I cannot help but wonder whether the harm they inflict upon our nation's politics outweighs the good humor which they engender.

I have a similar love-hate relationship with the way I am viewed by other people in this pervasive atmosphere of stereotyping and pigeon-holing.  People who first meet me by running into me on the street may believe I am surly, quiet, or even conservative because I am a square-built, 200+ lb white man often dressed (you guessed it!) like a lumberjack.  Still other people who meet me at work, in a seminar, or in a discussion may think I am just the opposite because I am gregarious, somewhat loud, and unabashedly progressive.  Of course neither one of these assessments would be complete or accurate on their own, and they are clearly demonstrative of the beholder's prejudices, not of any characteristics of my own.  I do not in any way feel victimized or seriously harmed by this; I think it has become outright hilarious.

The fact is, however, that these two issues intersect and are indeed, inseparable.  Because of the culture wars and their contrived stereotypes, people view me - and you, your family, and all of your friends - through a blurred and skewed lens.  But you know what feels great?! Totally bursting stereotype bubbles.   This is what I intend to do everyday on this blog.

First, I need to set the record straight.  I am a 200+ lb white man often seen in a big plaid shirt.  I am very liberal/progressive.  But of course the story does not end there. 

I may vote blue, but you will not catch me dead eating fucking tofu.  Healthy?!  Please.  It is reconstituted soybean protein product mechanically formed via an industrial process in a factory setting.  Natural foods indeed! Me, I love nothing more than savoring applewood smoked bacon or grilling my own blood-red beef steak over an open flame while drinking a beer, regardless of temperature, rain or shine.  That's the way to live.  And I will not apologize for taking cracks at vegetarians or saying that wheat grass and tofu are for hippies.  Come on!

I could go on and on.  I drive a diesel car, and I think Priuses whine at the same pitch as a lobster when you throw him live into a boiling pot of water.  I wear jeans, but they will never be "skinny".  I split my own firewood and spent a good deal of my childhood going fishing with my friends and raising sheep.  And I do not indulge in the jeans, the plaid, the beers, or anything else "ironically".  I would take the woods over Times Square any day of the week, and I would rather brave a snowstorm on a rural road once in a while than spend every day commuting through traffic.  I am cultured and somewhat well traveled, but I still prefer country to city.  Still, you won't ever see me voting Republican or otherwise basing my world view on my habits, my pastimes, or my personal appearance.  That is for idiots.

You see, this is where the fun comes in, and this is where the blog will be going.  Though this cultural background against which we are all set may pigeon-hole us as has been done to me (and I am sure you as well, perhaps with far more dire consequences), there is a great opportunity here for comedy, insight, and incisive writing.  Some of it may not be PG-13, some of it may be outright rude, but it should be equal parts humorous and thought-provoking.  Though I can make no guarantees here, I will do my best to derive humor from profound insight and prolonged reflection, rather than just take the easy cheap shots.  Again, no promises.  Really.  None whatsoever.

In closing, I hope you come back often to read what goes up here.  In future, posts should not always be this lengthly, though sometimes a topic will demand it.  There will be a mix of culture, politics, policy, high-brow humor, and outright rude jokes.  Variety is what will make it all worth a return visit, right?  Anyway, thanks for reading this whole introduction, and I hope you'll come back in future.


Canine hearing

The funniest thing about cranking the stereo with your dog in the room must be the fact that although than can hear someone's old TV tubes whining a half block away, they can hear almost no bass notes.  What cracks me up is working or studying with the tunes turned all the way up, and the dog curled up on her bed like a garden hose, sound asleep next to a shaking subwoofer. 

Right now I have the Foo Fighters turned up so loud that if I still had longer hair, I'd probably look like the guy on those old Maxell blank cassette tapes (aging myself here I guess).  Meanwhile, the dog literally has not moved in over an hour.  Her head is less than two feet from the sub. It just kills me.

Oxymoron Alert

While running through a 150+ page "outline" of Criminal Law (that's a book!), I arrived at the following section heading:

"1440: INNOCENT HOMICIDE"

That's right.  "Innocent homicide".  Let that one rattle around in your brain for a minute.  I think this might find its place in the same logical grouping as "scentless farting", "dry squirts", and "flaccid erection".





Word of the day

Today's word of the day:

Craptacular (adj.)

To be spectacularly crappy or otherwise full of crap.
Ex: Waking up to a dark rainy morning today was craptacular.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

The trusty hound

Here is the aforementioned trusty hound. 50% beagle, 50% dachshund, 100% adorable.

What about winter fun?


This should speak for itself.  And yes, it was made especially for this morning's rant.

In Memoriam: Winter

In loving memory of Winter (last Ice Age - +/- 2012AD)

I was about to take the trusty hound for our traditional morning jaunt in a few moments and I came to the painful realization that there is nothing traditional about it.  It is December 8, not even three weeks from Christmas, and it is raining outside.  Not snowing; raining.  Rather than sporting a toasty warm coat, hat, and scarf, I will just be throwing on a rain jacket and heading out into the wetness.

None of this may seem like a problem for some, but it is a serious problem.  Everyone has heard of the scientifically-based reasons why climate change is bad, but there are yet more which the scientific community has failed to address.

First is the negative impact upon men.  That's right, men.  Especially those of the northerly variety.  Why?  This was the one goddamn season we got to not be sweating our asses off from the time we wake up until an obligatory lukewarm evening shower.  This was the one time we could go for a walk with the dog and not need change of clothes afterward.  It was the only time of year we knew what it felt like to be dry.  Now it looks like maybe 10 months of no relief.  If it gets to 12 I swear I will be Alaska bound.

The other (and more important) is aesthetics and quality of life.  What?!  Yes.  You know why winter was always better farther north than say, in the Mid Atlantic or southern and coastal parts of Europe?  Because rain is ugly and boring, especially when there are no leaves on the trees.  When there was snow this time of year, it was gorgeous and bright and fun.  When winter is winter, I do not know how anyone could have seasonal depression.  Seriously. It is bright and clear.  You can snowshoe, ski, cross country ski, build a fort (yes, grownups can do that too) and go tobogganing.  More importantly, you can skip out on important life obligations like work and appointments by saying you are "snowed in" and drink heavy beers and dark liquors beside a roaring fire.  Awesomeness!  You know what you can do in the rain?  [this is where crickets would be chirping if they hadn't all been eaten by mutant cockroaches and lizards brought north by the warming climate]

So if you feel like neither of the above applies to your life in anyway, just consider the following.  Cold is what impeded tropical storms, stymied the spread of vector-born pathogens, kept the ice caps intact (and therefore the sea levels down), and otherwise secured the survival of land mammals such as ourselves.  So if you "hate winter" and "just can't stand the cold", enjoy life in your new underwater home, which you can share with your new friends, Lyme Disease and Kudzu.


Friday, December 7, 2012

First Post

Well, I am very excited to get this blog started.  I will have a more complete inaugural post at a later time, since it is about 5 on Friday right now.  In the meantime I will simply kick this blog off with a word of the day:

Plaidtastic (adj.)

Spread it and share it as you will, but most importantly, have fun with it.