So in case you weren't at home to watch the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, or, like me, you don't have TV, here are the videos from C-SPAN, including the "House of Cards" spoof everyone is talking about.
While not the best ever, this dinner, like (almost) all of them, was hilarious. Perhaps my favorite thing about the broadcast was not even the jokes themselves, but the fact that C-SPAN actually included the Nerd Prom hashtag (#nerdprom) on their graphics. Its' nice to know in this age of technologically-induced informality and potentially-false perception of familiarity that cable's national government access channel is reaching out to all of us young civics nerds. All twelve of us.
The "House of Cards" bit:
President Obama:
Conan O'Brien:
Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Technical difficulties
Those of you who have wandered onto this state-of-the-art blog more than once may have noticed recently that the banner has been, well, downgraded. This was not by choice, and believe me, it will be returned to normal as soon as possible. The fact is, this downgrade is due to a technical error which has been beyond my control thus far.
A week or two ago, after neglecting this reputable source of rants and raves for a short time, a gentleman asked me to show him the page. When I attempted to load it, every graphic was missing and was replaced by an image resembling a stop sign of the European roadway persuasion. Needless to say, I was a bit peeved.
Now luckily, it was easy to replace the wallpaper. A clip of the same plaid, a few minutes on MS paint, and there it was, re-plastered in all its lumberjackian glory. The same could not be said for my banner, which was a custom made labor of love. What's more, the file needed to reinstate that illustrious graphic is stored in a computer 100 miles away - and I thought I had kept a copy on my laptop this whole time! Now the one presently featured is merely an impromptu quick-fix, the result of a prototype image contained on my laptop's hard drive, reworked and fudged to fit into the blog's otherwise vacant heading.
Sadly, resetting the appearance of this blog to its former glory is outside of my control for at least another week or two. In the meantime, thank you for bearing with me and settling for marginally adequate writing with entirely inadequate and obviously-zero-budget graphics.
If anyone out there has had this or a similar experience with blogger, please let me know. I'd love to know why this happened and if there is a quick fix. Really. The whole incident just seems rather rude considering the $0 and few hours per month I spend here.
A week or two ago, after neglecting this reputable source of rants and raves for a short time, a gentleman asked me to show him the page. When I attempted to load it, every graphic was missing and was replaced by an image resembling a stop sign of the European roadway persuasion. Needless to say, I was a bit peeved.
Now luckily, it was easy to replace the wallpaper. A clip of the same plaid, a few minutes on MS paint, and there it was, re-plastered in all its lumberjackian glory. The same could not be said for my banner, which was a custom made labor of love. What's more, the file needed to reinstate that illustrious graphic is stored in a computer 100 miles away - and I thought I had kept a copy on my laptop this whole time! Now the one presently featured is merely an impromptu quick-fix, the result of a prototype image contained on my laptop's hard drive, reworked and fudged to fit into the blog's otherwise vacant heading.
Sadly, resetting the appearance of this blog to its former glory is outside of my control for at least another week or two. In the meantime, thank you for bearing with me and settling for marginally adequate writing with entirely inadequate and obviously-zero-budget graphics.
If anyone out there has had this or a similar experience with blogger, please let me know. I'd love to know why this happened and if there is a quick fix. Really. The whole incident just seems rather rude considering the $0 and few hours per month I spend here.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Of dogs and leashes
This is Cupid. She is just over three years old. She is a half Beagle, half Dachshund mix. She has a memory like a steel trap, the biggest personality (in a very small size) and an amazing hound dog howl. She is fiercely loyal, and cannot bear to spend a night without cuddling with one of us.
She was also almost brutally killed last Thursday.
Like every other day, I leashed up Cupid with her red leash and harness. At the sight of her matching set, she howled up in the air as if to announce the exciting beginning of the fox hunt, and after jumping into her harness, she led me out the door and down the road.
Our walk was relaxing and proceeded without incident, until we approached a house at the end of the road. A large dog leaped out of the front door almost without warning. Just a second later, a young woman exited the same door. I called to her, asking her to call off her dog. Unfortunately, she replied with the same line I have heard far too many times: "He's fine!" I started to walk the other way to avoid the dog and respect what he perceived to be his territory. Still, the young woman did nothing. What was to ensue was simply horrifying.
The dog jumped Cupid, picking her up into the air in one swift movement. He pierced her ear and the side of her neck with his fangs and violently shook her from side-to-side, attempting to break her neck under the weight of her own body. The entire attack was so fast it was almost a blur. I kicked the attacking dog once in the ribs - entirely ineffective as he was already moving in the same direction as my foot. I screamed at him to break his concentration, which also failed. Luckily, almost soon as the attack started, the same young woman came from behind the dog and pulled him away as my dog was thrown into the dirt, looking into my eyes while howling and screaming in agonizing pain. I fear that if the attack lasted a half second (or one thrash) longer, little Cupid's neck would have snapped. To be completely honest, I am still astonished I did not spend Thursday night burying her.
. . .
Unfortunately, this is far from an isolated incident. In fact, the only thing that makes it unique is the violent extremes to which another dog went in its attack. You see, almost every single time I walk my dog, we are both confronted by other dogs whose owners have refused to keep them on a leash, despite being in public areas which demand the leashing of dogs at all times. Every single time, I hear the same refrain from the owner: "He's fine!" At least half of those times, he is very much not fine.
It has become an absurdity how often I am left to fend for myself as I break up dog fights initiated by an animal owned by a complete stranger. What is just as absurd is how often other dog owners become angry with me over my frustration with them and their out-of-control dog. I was even once told, "Geez, he's a nice dog!" Niceness is not something I think about when a pair of fangs is just inches from my femoral artery.
Regardless of where you stand on the ridiculous should-you-leash-your-dog debate, the simple fact remains that anyone, whether with a dog or by his or herself, has the right to walk in a public place without being assaulted. Period. If a human were to jump you on a sidewalk or trail, you would promptly find an officer of the law and have that individual arrested. Still, many dog owners do not see the parallel, and they allow their dogs to run ahead and jump other people or their dogs. I am very much a dog person, but it is never my responsibility to control your dog. It is yours.
This attack is also unique in that for me, it is the absolute last straw. It was bad enough having to be worried about being jumped by out-of-control dogs, but now my own dog was almost killed, and the long-term extent of her spinal injuries have yet to be determined. I used to half-joke that I would stop worrying and the next time we are assaulted, I would just sue the owner whose dog drew first blood - especially if the blood were my own. I now have a different approach. Now I walk with a heavy, sturdy walking stick - and not just because the uneven terrain of the hills and woods is my favorite place to walk.
Of course, I would rather not ever have to resort to self-defense. I would rather that other people simply follow the law and local municipal ordinances.
. . .
If you have a dog, or have friends who do, please see to it that they are leashed. Everyone's dog is a good dog who would never be violent - that is never to its own family. And lest you think I am whining about nothing or that I am being melodramatic in my plea here, scroll back up and look at Cupid. Now imagine a large dog who was "fine" and who was "friendly" - and who was trying to tear off one of those ears and snap her neck in mid-air.
That was my Thursday afternoon walk.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
On the origin of the White Man Overbite
A few weeks ago, I arrived at my family's house just in time for a friendly local winter storm. Now by almost anyone's measure, it was admittedly a small and tame storm: three or four inches of snow, with almost no ice. Of course all the meteorological soothsaying in the world will do no good when you need to pull out of a driveway shaped like a skating ramp that opens up to a state highway.
Well, the afternoon after the snowfall, I had to get out of the house. Not because I had cabin fever or anything, but because I had to drive a little over a mile to get to where my laptop could pick up a free, public WiFi signal. Apparently internet access is just too great of a luxury to have at home.
I brushed off my car, started it to warm up the engine, and when it was ready, I grabbed my computer and jumped in. Usually getting up the relatively short driveway is no problem, but just a week prior, my mother broke a sideview mirror off her car when she hit black ice on the way up and the car slid back down and hit a fencepost on the way. Needless to say, I felt the need to be a bit more cautious than usual.
The car performed admirably, and I did not break anything off of it by being too close to the fence. In fact, the car did not even momentarily slip on the melted snow which was quickly refreezing as ice. At that moment though, I had a revelation.
I was summiting the crest of the hill, passing the slippery part and quickly approaching the open road, when I realized that I was ferociously biting my lower lip. My teeth were clenched in an apprehensive and anxious fashion, while my lip was pinned down and to the side. At that moment, cresting the hill with a firm clench of my lower lip, I discovered an alternative explanation for the origin of the White Man Overbite.
For those who do not know, the White Man Overbite is a phenomenon in which one bites his own lower lip, usually out of excitement, but often also out of fear or apprehension. It is most often observed when a white man is operating a motor vehicle and his favorite song comes on the radio, which itself usually contains a stellar guitar riff.
Because of the Overbite's usual association with rock music, I had always assumed that it was no more than a visceral reaction to face-melting electric guitar, and I analyzed it no further. While this still may be true, my experience summiting the icy driveway gave me an alternative explanation for the origin of this great phenomenon.
In reality, the White Man Overbite may be traceable to the white dudes of yore, who often needed to summit slippery slopes in vehicles in which they had little confidence. Today, that would be an old car (as was the case for me). Before that, however, it may have been a horseless carriage or streetcar, and before that, a horse and either a carriage or sleigh. Sitting in my old car, I could imagine a man in a much older mode of transportation facing a similar or even greater challenge, and overbiting in the exact same way. While my experience in the car happened in 2013, comparable experiences may have been had centuries before the dawn of rock music, making the Icy Hill Overbite much older than the now-famous This-Is-My-Song! Overbite.
Perhaps we will never know the true origin of the White Man Overbite. Was it first created by old man braving a treacherous mountain pass with horse and carriage? Or was it first sported by a dude losing his mind hearing the last two minutes and twenty-five seconds of Stairway to Heaven? The world may never know for sure. What I do know, however, is that that trusty little overbite helped me out of the driveway that fateful day, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Well, the afternoon after the snowfall, I had to get out of the house. Not because I had cabin fever or anything, but because I had to drive a little over a mile to get to where my laptop could pick up a free, public WiFi signal. Apparently internet access is just too great of a luxury to have at home.
I brushed off my car, started it to warm up the engine, and when it was ready, I grabbed my computer and jumped in. Usually getting up the relatively short driveway is no problem, but just a week prior, my mother broke a sideview mirror off her car when she hit black ice on the way up and the car slid back down and hit a fencepost on the way. Needless to say, I felt the need to be a bit more cautious than usual.
The car performed admirably, and I did not break anything off of it by being too close to the fence. In fact, the car did not even momentarily slip on the melted snow which was quickly refreezing as ice. At that moment though, I had a revelation.
I was summiting the crest of the hill, passing the slippery part and quickly approaching the open road, when I realized that I was ferociously biting my lower lip. My teeth were clenched in an apprehensive and anxious fashion, while my lip was pinned down and to the side. At that moment, cresting the hill with a firm clench of my lower lip, I discovered an alternative explanation for the origin of the White Man Overbite.
For those who do not know, the White Man Overbite is a phenomenon in which one bites his own lower lip, usually out of excitement, but often also out of fear or apprehension. It is most often observed when a white man is operating a motor vehicle and his favorite song comes on the radio, which itself usually contains a stellar guitar riff.
Because of the Overbite's usual association with rock music, I had always assumed that it was no more than a visceral reaction to face-melting electric guitar, and I analyzed it no further. While this still may be true, my experience summiting the icy driveway gave me an alternative explanation for the origin of this great phenomenon.
In reality, the White Man Overbite may be traceable to the white dudes of yore, who often needed to summit slippery slopes in vehicles in which they had little confidence. Today, that would be an old car (as was the case for me). Before that, however, it may have been a horseless carriage or streetcar, and before that, a horse and either a carriage or sleigh. Sitting in my old car, I could imagine a man in a much older mode of transportation facing a similar or even greater challenge, and overbiting in the exact same way. While my experience in the car happened in 2013, comparable experiences may have been had centuries before the dawn of rock music, making the Icy Hill Overbite much older than the now-famous This-Is-My-Song! Overbite.
Perhaps we will never know the true origin of the White Man Overbite. Was it first created by old man braving a treacherous mountain pass with horse and carriage? Or was it first sported by a dude losing his mind hearing the last two minutes and twenty-five seconds of Stairway to Heaven? The world may never know for sure. What I do know, however, is that that trusty little overbite helped me out of the driveway that fateful day, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Word of the Day
Today's word of the day is a special pet peeve of the Liberal Lumberjack:
"Business Community" (n.)
Friendlier-sounding code developed by PR execs to put a softer, more human facade on what would have been previously referred to as "business interests", "moneyed interests", or "corporate interests"
Ex: I can't stand hearing news reporters use the term "business community". Right, as if anything going on in the news is going to have a negative impact on a poor little community of real people - whose members just happen to wear suits.
"Business Community" (n.)
Friendlier-sounding code developed by PR execs to put a softer, more human facade on what would have been previously referred to as "business interests", "moneyed interests", or "corporate interests"
Ex: I can't stand hearing news reporters use the term "business community". Right, as if anything going on in the news is going to have a negative impact on a poor little community of real people - whose members just happen to wear suits.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
This is why Americans are angry
To the many, many people who do not follow politics - or who at least do not follow closely - this is the reason why so many Americans are angry at Washington today, be they conservative, liberal, or other. The Vice President of the United States, second in line to head the executive branch and duly elected to office, is sitting down with the NRA and Wal-Mart to discuss gun control.
So a very highly-positioned elected official has to meet with the non-elected members of a special interest group and a large, for-profit corporation before taking meaningful action to help the people of this country. This same thing happened prior to the passage of the ACA ("Obamacare") when the President himself gave speaking time to the insurance industry - to make it all somehow seem "fair" or "bipartisan". In both instances, it reeks of corruption and corporatism.
This is the sort of thing that makes people in the left and right wings start to sound alike. Cries of "corporate rule!" "oligarchy!" and "corruption!" emanate from both sides of the ideological line. And though I do still respect and support the President, and do still think the VP is, well, hilarious, moments like this make it very hard for me to refute the allegations made by conspiracy theorists of both wings. At best, this is a demonstration of weakness in the face of corporate and special interest political pressure. At worst, this truly is corporatism and corruption at full stop.
Original story from Politico here.
So a very highly-positioned elected official has to meet with the non-elected members of a special interest group and a large, for-profit corporation before taking meaningful action to help the people of this country. This same thing happened prior to the passage of the ACA ("Obamacare") when the President himself gave speaking time to the insurance industry - to make it all somehow seem "fair" or "bipartisan". In both instances, it reeks of corruption and corporatism.
This is the sort of thing that makes people in the left and right wings start to sound alike. Cries of "corporate rule!" "oligarchy!" and "corruption!" emanate from both sides of the ideological line. And though I do still respect and support the President, and do still think the VP is, well, hilarious, moments like this make it very hard for me to refute the allegations made by conspiracy theorists of both wings. At best, this is a demonstration of weakness in the face of corporate and special interest political pressure. At worst, this truly is corporatism and corruption at full stop.
Original story from Politico here.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
VIDEO: Of President Obama, Congress, and David Cross
This post is in honor of all the misinformed individuals in this vibrant Republic for whom the events of this past week are insufficient evidence that it is in fact Congress' fault - not President Obama's - that we cannot get anything meaningful accomplished on the federal level.
Some of them may rant and rave. Some may come bearing what they believe to be witty signs. Others still have some contrived conspiracy theory that they truly believe is a rational, articulate, policy (and not race)-based argument as to why it's all Obama's fault.
Regardless of what they claim to be arguing, this is all I hear.
I would like to now take this opportunity to thank the great David Cross, whose incisive wit has thus far done a miraculous job at getting me through the winter of bar prep.
Some of them may rant and rave. Some may come bearing what they believe to be witty signs. Others still have some contrived conspiracy theory that they truly believe is a rational, articulate, policy (and not race)-based argument as to why it's all Obama's fault.
Regardless of what they claim to be arguing, this is all I hear.
I would like to now take this opportunity to thank the great David Cross, whose incisive wit has thus far done a miraculous job at getting me through the winter of bar prep.
An expression in need of a comeback
The cold snap of last night into this morning made me think of an old expression which is in desperate need of a comeback. It may be blue, it may be folksy, but damnit it is great. It goes as follows:
It's so cold out you can take a leak and lean on it.
I think most people get the point right away. Most of us know what happens to water and water-based fluids in extreme cold. For those who do not know and for those who require greater elaboration that they may envision this scenario, please allow me to paint you a verbal picture.
The imagery implied by the expression is that of a stream of urine traveling downward in an arch-like curvature through air so cold that the liquid is actually frozen mid-stream, thus creating a truly all-natural Golden Arch, the load-bearing capacity of which is sufficient to withstand the weight of the man presently relieving himself.
Bet you never heard anyone describe taking a leak so articulately!
I think most people get the point right away. Most of us know what happens to water and water-based fluids in extreme cold. For those who do not know and for those who require greater elaboration that they may envision this scenario, please allow me to paint you a verbal picture.
The imagery implied by the expression is that of a stream of urine traveling downward in an arch-like curvature through air so cold that the liquid is actually frozen mid-stream, thus creating a truly all-natural Golden Arch, the load-bearing capacity of which is sufficient to withstand the weight of the man presently relieving himself.
Bet you never heard anyone describe taking a leak so articulately!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sanders vs. Media Consolidation
For those who do not know, the FCC is considering loosening its already loose regulations to allow large corporations to own even more tv, radio, and print outlets in each individual media market.
You know it! The same people who would not let you say "fuck" on the air are considering allowing Rupert Murdoch or some other unsavory individuals to buy your town's newspaper, cable providers, tv stations, and radio stations.
Think there will be much diversity of opinion when that happens? Think your cable tv and broadband rates will stay affordable when there is no more competition in the market? Doubtful.
Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has this new op-ed piece in Politico beseeching the FCC to change their collective mind regarding the proposed rule change. It is certainly worth a read and it is very brief.
If after reading it you feel compelled to voice your opposition to having Rupert Murdoch's wrinkly ass covering your media market, you can also sign the good Senator's petition here. I know, I know. Petitions. But seriously, Bernie is the one man on Capitol Hill who well, let's be blunt, gives a damn. I guess what I'm saying is, it's worth it.
You know it! The same people who would not let you say "fuck" on the air are considering allowing Rupert Murdoch or some other unsavory individuals to buy your town's newspaper, cable providers, tv stations, and radio stations.
Think there will be much diversity of opinion when that happens? Think your cable tv and broadband rates will stay affordable when there is no more competition in the market? Doubtful.
Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has this new op-ed piece in Politico beseeching the FCC to change their collective mind regarding the proposed rule change. It is certainly worth a read and it is very brief.
If after reading it you feel compelled to voice your opposition to having Rupert Murdoch's wrinkly ass covering your media market, you can also sign the good Senator's petition here. I know, I know. Petitions. But seriously, Bernie is the one man on Capitol Hill who well, let's be blunt, gives a damn. I guess what I'm saying is, it's worth it.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Best early surprise Christmas present ever
 |
| The Gift |
What Carlin would say in the coming weeks
It should come as no surprise to anyone that a fierce debate over gun control in this country is looming and is likely to become heated in the coming weeks.
What should be just as expected is that at some point, the NRA's Wayne Lapierre will make an appearance denouncing any gun regulation whatsoever and claiming that the Second Amendment is absolute and without qualifications - which by logical extension would mean we could all drive around with tactical nuclear missiles strapped to the roofs of our cars, but I'll save that for another time.
In the meantime, enjoy this brief clip from the late great George Carlin, and remember his wise words when you inevitably hear some not-so-wise ones being spewed by Mr. Lapierre in the coming weeks.
What should be just as expected is that at some point, the NRA's Wayne Lapierre will make an appearance denouncing any gun regulation whatsoever and claiming that the Second Amendment is absolute and without qualifications - which by logical extension would mean we could all drive around with tactical nuclear missiles strapped to the roofs of our cars, but I'll save that for another time.
In the meantime, enjoy this brief clip from the late great George Carlin, and remember his wise words when you inevitably hear some not-so-wise ones being spewed by Mr. Lapierre in the coming weeks.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The plaid of royalty
It is the official tartan of the Stewarts of Scotland. Scotland - that's not hard to believe considering plaid's prelumberjackian history. But you know what is hard to believe? This tartan is the official tartan of Queen Elizabeth and her subjects. Why you ask? Because since England and Scotland were united over three centuries ago, she is just as much Queen of Scotland as she is the Queen of England. You know how I know this is all true? It's on wikipedia!
Big deal, right? This may all seem like some useless trivia, but imagine this: Queen Elizabeth II wearing an LL Bean shirt made out of this stuff. See now it's just not trivia, it's downright hilarious! Now picture her with an ax in hand, straddling a huge log. Well, you can see where this is going.
So the next time you see some one sporting this handsome tartan, don't just think lumberjack; think of the classic Monty Python skit and insert an image of Queen Elizabeth herself. Now try not to laugh like a lunatic in public. You're welcome.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Homemade joke
Q: What is the Holy Trinity for Catholics?
A: The Father, the Sun, and the Holy Spirit.
Q: What is the Holy Trinity for Bostonians?
A: Thu Pats, thu Bruins, and thu Holy Red Sawx, Amen.
OK, not the best ever, but let's see you do better while you're walking down the street in Boston, picking up your dog's shit in a plastic bag.
A: The Father, the Sun, and the Holy Spirit.
Q: What is the Holy Trinity for Bostonians?
A: Thu Pats, thu Bruins, and thu Holy Red Sawx, Amen.
OK, not the best ever, but let's see you do better while you're walking down the street in Boston, picking up your dog's shit in a plastic bag.
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