Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Friday Night News Dump (n.)

(1.) The act of leaking scandalous or otherwise damning information by government officials to news outlets at a time when would-be readers are too busy running from the office to happy hour to catch the news.
(2.) The act of news sites filling their home pages with useless information only read by die-hard geeks while everyone else heads over to happy hour.

Ex: Go to washingtonpost.com or politico.com at 5-6pm today.  You'll see.

VIDEO: Of President Obama, Congress, and David Cross

This post is in honor of all the misinformed individuals in this vibrant Republic for whom the events of this past week are insufficient evidence that it is in fact Congress' fault - not President Obama's - that we cannot get anything meaningful accomplished on the federal level. 

Some of them may rant and rave.  Some may come bearing what they believe to be witty signs.  Others still have some contrived conspiracy theory that they truly believe is a rational, articulate, policy (and not race)-based argument as to why it's all Obama's fault.

Regardless of what they claim to be arguing, this is all I hear.

I would like to now take this opportunity to thank the great David Cross, whose incisive wit has thus far done a miraculous job at getting me through the winter of bar prep.

An expression in need of a comeback

The cold snap of last night into this morning made me think of an old expression which is in desperate need of a comeback.  It may be blue, it may be folksy, but damnit it is great.  It goes as follows:

It's so cold out you can take a leak and lean on it.

I think most people get the point right away.  Most of us know what happens to water and water-based fluids in extreme cold.  For those who do not know and for those who require greater elaboration that they may envision this scenario, please allow me to paint you a verbal picture.

The imagery implied by the expression is that of a stream of urine traveling downward in an arch-like curvature through air so cold that the liquid is actually frozen mid-stream, thus creating a truly all-natural Golden Arch, the load-bearing capacity of which is sufficient to withstand the weight of the man presently relieving himself.

Bet you never heard anyone describe taking a leak so articulately!

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Beardsicle (n.)

The miniature icicles which form from the condensation of one's breath on one's beard while one is venturing outside on a sub-zero morning

Ex: It was so cold this morning, I had beardsicles just from going to start the car!

Anti-douchebag legislation

Just yesterday, Politico published a story on new, weird state laws going into effect this year.  Many of them involved animals and hunting, but it reminded me of some of the awesome state laws I have come across in my studies.

What I love about these gems of the legislative process is the fact that if I could somehow singlehandedly write into law my own model legislation, the resulting acts would be much the same as these actually-enacted laws.  If I had to attribute a title to this class of glorious edicts, it would be:

The Anti-Douchebags Acts

In Traffic

The first in this category concerns traffic.  

You know when you are on the interstate, and there is construction ahead, and at least several thousand feet ahead you see a sign notifying you that one lane is about to close and that drivers need to start merging?  Of course you do!  But you know when you see that asshole who keeps on driving in the soon-to-be-closed lane, then tries to merge ahead of everyone else right before the construction site, thereby causing even more traffic delays?  

Well, that inconsiderate individual is now subject to a traffic stop and a fine in one state.  That's right!  Now, if a driver refuses to merge when directed by state highway signs, waits until the last second, and thereby causes traffic, he or she can be pulled over and given a ticket, just as if he or she had been speeding.

Now douchebaggery carries with it the penalty of a fine.  Justice at last.

At Home

In the very same state, the annotated code protects good inhabitants from douchebaggery of the pretentious variety. It accomplishes this by giving people who farm on their property a shield from lawsuits initiated by snobs.  This is perhaps best explained via an example.

Imaging you and your family keep chickens or a dairy cow or whatever on your land.  You live way outside of town, so this never bothered anyone, and your family has lived there since your grandpa bought the place 60 years ago.  

Now imagine that someone shows up one day in their luxury convertible with - and I am just guessing here - Connecticut or New Jersey plates.  Don't quite get the image in your head?  Think the neighbors from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  They then buy up all the land next to yours, clear all the trees, build a 15 bedroom, 10 bathroom monstrosity at which they will spend 10 weekends per year, and, what the hell, put a pool and tennis court around back.

Imaging further that these cheery new neighbors then sue your family because they think the chickens do not look proper running around your yard and because they do not want to smell that cow when the wind changes direction.  They call it a nuisance.  

Well, too bad for them!  The state basically says that:

1. As long as your little farm is adhering to agricultural practices and environmental regulations

2. You have not done anything to change your practices since they came to town

3. And your family and its animals were there first

Then you have to be left in peace and cannot be sued here.

Ahhh, the poetic justice.  The neighbors say they don't want to smell shit, the state tells them "tough shit"!  You can't make this stuff up.

Anyway, I believe there were one or two more examples that I wanted to share but have since forgotten.   Perhaps I will add them later.  In the meantime, anyone care to venture a guess as to which state passed the two aforementioned acts?

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is:

Fuckwit (n.)

The superlative of nitwit, to be used to refer to an individual for whom nitwit is simply an insufficient term.

Ex: Did you hear about that guy who tattooed the Romney campaign logo on his face? What a fuckwit!

The most awesome thing in the world

This is seriously the most awesomest thing I have seen all year - and I can say that with authority now that this year will end in about five hours.  You know the most interesting man in the world?  He lives in Vermont, drives around on his beat up lawn tractor, and smokes a pipe.  Yes!

Don't believe me?  Here it is!